Moryl's Journal From Beginning to Now.
Note from Maero

He seems angry at me for leaving. Sorry my old dear friend but this is something I must do. He can take care of the house and girls while I am gone. I can contact Leticia anytime, I just can’t rest easy if I lose contact with my own daughter. Oh God… I want to come back now… My daughter needs me… urgh dammit mind why can’t you grr… Stability. That is what I need, that is what everyone needs right now. Relationships can be solved later but now… stability… I’ll come back for Leticia and Akarii, but my space will be obvious. 

Leaving.

I have decided to leave my home and just wander off. Too much is in my mind. Just so much pain and weakness in me. I have support.. but I need guidance. My heart is in shambles. All I will do now is wait and suffer quietly. Good bye my mate, hope this period is kind to you. Brother…. please… i beg you take care of her… and… nevermind… just… going to leave now.

Pain…

That is all I feel… One day I am the mate… the other I am lowered to a brother… Yes I took it well… Until later, my heart writhes in anger. Why… the things I worked so hard to get is so easily granted to others. I feel used and a stepping stone for others to get at her. I can no longer wear the ring, it brings me sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment. I just want to disappear you know? Soon as I notice there is no need for me I am gone. I can feel my heart just ready… to blow up really. This all hurts… the spot that should belong to me… now belongs to someone else in just a few days. Honestly.. I want to start withdrawning myself from public until I am forgotten… 

My heart really hurts..

The price to pay

When I cause pain… I cause people to ignore me…

When I cause pain… I cause others to push me away…

When I cause pain… I destroy the hearts of others

When I cause pain… I create negativity…

When I cause pain… I kill a part of those I love…

I want to turn this around… and it will be done.

I love you my mate and brother.. I will not let you two down.

..

Drown this pain away. 

My heart hurts please…

Just stop this pain.. 

someone.. anyone…Help me… 

my tears… i can’t stop them… please… someone… help…

Vent…

my heart is broken…

my body is tired…

my mind shows weakness…

here i am… in shambles…

love has been cruel to me…

back-stab wounds are being reopenned,

new ones are made…

when will i find peace…

when will I stop worrying…

am I bound to be alone…

brother… i call out to you…

take care of her… i beg you…

when I am lost…

and forever… alone

January Summary.

Hellish… hellish… hellish month. I never expected to be in this situation again of such high relationship stress and frustration. My past has come to haunt me in the place that I am the most vulnerable. Funny how things just come back to you.. No matter. I got things to do. Education is rather disappointing this time around, and my family needs for me to be able to provide and this building up will sure take a while. Hmm… I am happy to at least have seen that there is dedication and I gained a close friend that I can truly hold onto. It has been too long since I had more than 1 person to confide into. Already knowing myself though, my problems are my own, and I will only talk about it when my mind is racing our storming. Anyways back to the reason I am writing this. Crazy month, with dramas left and right and no one came back unscathed. The scars I bear now are emotional and mental, a reminder of what can happen when things go south. Moving on, despite my tired state.

Life as it is.

Many would have broken down by now completely and probably stayed there saying woe is me. I won’t go as low as they will. My mate, my beloved Akarii needs me. I must become strong once again. I have fallen into the depths of emotional and internal exhaustion that I must recover from. When the day comes I shall step up again like the strong Alpha Male I used to be. But for now. Refuge in myself and idle chatter with others will suffice. My dire need though is to have Akarii’s voice, her affection. Her entire being with me. I miss her company greatly. I miss our bond for it was a great and strong one. My beloved, if you ever read this. I love you, never forget that, and I will have my arms wide open ready to receive you.